Time together is just never quite enough.
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Who am I Supposed to Be?

I fig­ure… I’m not exactly open on this thing… and that’s kind of the point of it. Anyway…

Peo­ple say that love (I’m talk­ing roman­tic love here…) is the best thing like ever… and for some peo­ple, that’s true. For oth­ers, I’m guess­ing that love is a frus­trat­ing and some­what dis­ap­point­ing sub­ject. I’m not even sure how I feel about love now… I always knew some peo­ple were just inca­pable of real love. I’m not say­ing that is the person’s indef­i­nite sit­u­a­tion, but at this point in my life… most of the peo­ple of the oppo­site sex are just not capa­ble of love let alone know what love is.

If you have expe­ri­enced that, you know what I mean… It’s extremely frus­trat­ing to know that you love some­one that either inca­pable of love or doesn’t really know what true love is.

That’s kind of been my expe­ri­ence for the last cou­ple months… and don’t take this the wrong way, like I’m pass­ing blame around… I’m really just vent­ing. Actu­ally, I had a nice con­ver­sa­tion with Ash­ley last night about this… sort of. It got a lit­tle off that topic, but I just auto­mat­i­cally think that I’m wrong in my way of think­ing, because I’m not your nor­mal guy… but that doesn’t really need to be said.

It was really nice to get reas­sur­ance from even some­one of the oppo­site sex that I’m not crazy in the way that I’m think­ing and that peo­ple really do share my opin­ion on things, I just have to look around a bit more.

I guess it’s not even a mat­ter of whether or not that I’m right all the time… it’s like I know what’s right… and what God wants for me at this time (as far as choices) and it’s espe­cially hard when you’re not phys­i­cally sur­rounded by Chris­tians that back you up. I thank God for peo­ple I talk to online or on the phone because it’s like they are my con­nec­tion to what is really right. I often feel like the reli­gious odd­ball around here. Then at other times I feel like I don’t amount to all that much spir­i­tu­ally. It’s confusing…

Well any­ways, I hope you all enjoyed that… the num­ber one com­plaint about this blog is that it’s not per­sonal enough… hope­fully that begins to fix that. Oh, and wel­come to June, all. That’s it for today I think… Later all.

Posted by Gary on Wednesday, June 1, 2005 | Uncategorized

There are 8 responses for this post:

  1. not too sure what to say to all of that…

    man you must be really depressed ive never seen ya this way

    i’ll pray for ya man, sorry u gotta go through this… but it’s life ya know?

    Brian
    6/01/2005 at 5:36pm

  2. Gary,
    You’re not a nor­mal guy. The way I’ve seen you talk about dif­fer­ent things– you really care about it, you’re pas­sion­ate about it. You care about more than the shal­low stuff, and that’s good. Unfor­tu­nately in this world, peo­ple like that often get burned…pretty bad, and it sucks, I know. And from what we talked about last night– you’re SO far from wrong on your view of the topic, in my mind at least. You’re, like I said, one of the very few peo­ple I know who aren’t going to be in things just for imme­di­ate grat­i­fi­ca­tion. If you’re in a rela­tion­ship, I can see you being the kind being there through thick and thin.

    The way I’ve seen you talk– I know that you’re in com­mit­ments for the good, the bad, and the ugly until it’s over, and you have no idea how much I respect that. You don’t walk away from things when they get dif­fi­cult, you fight through it.

    I’m not sur­rounded by Chris­tians either. To be hon­est– I know like 3 (besides online) and they were all peo­ple I went to school with and rarely talk to. Just stand your ground on things. I’ve found that if peo­ple know where I stand on things, they gen­er­ally do respect that, and aren’t going to put you in a posi­tion that’s com­pro­mis­ing, what­ever that may be.

    But I agree– it gets really hard when you’re not around oth­ers who have the same ideas on things, and val­ues that you do. There’s times when you feel like you’re the only one with any morals…other times you think “my gosh, what are these peo­ple see­ing in me? Obvi­ously not Christ” and it gets really dis­cour­ag­ing. But I sup­pose we were never told this would be easy you know? As weird of a ‘lifter upper’ as that is…It helps me. I real­ize that every­one who believes what I do is going through tri­als just like I am. I’m not screw­ing things up like I think I am.

    But really…I know it’s just online and stuff, but I’m always hear for you if you want to vent or any­thing. You’re a great per­son Gary, and like I said– I don’t want you to get caught up in some­thing, to where it changes who you are, and impacts you in a neg­a­tive way.

    I’m sorry all of this is going on. I hope you’re able to feel com­fort­able with the way things are going soon.

    Ash­ley
    6/01/2005 at 8:06pm

  3. Brian, thanks for the prayer. I really appre­ci­ate it.

    Ash­ley, read­ing that com­ment was like extremely encour­ag­ing. You’re right about us never being told this would be easy part… I guess it’s just that I haven’t even expe­ri­enced a taste of this before, and all of my emo­tions caught me off guard.

    As far as being sur­rounded by Chris­tians, my thing is every­one I’m sur­rounded around mostly thinks they are Chris­tians… and think it’s ok to be who­ever dur­ing the week and be a Chris­t­ian on Sun­day. It’s frus­trat­ing… but I’m sure a lot of peo­ple can under­stand that.

    I think this will be just that much eas­ier to han­dle when I can jus­tify my emo­tions… like go a day with­out feel­ing that I should feel a cer­tain way.

    Any­ways, thanks again for that encour­age­ment… and I would hope that you know that I’d be there for you as well if you need to vent.

    As hard as it is… this too shall pass… this too shall pass…

    eter­nal­blue
    6/01/2005 at 8:37pm

  4. I know what you mean about the emo­tions. Jan­u­ary was the first time I ever had some­thing BIG hap­pen, that brought out those faith based emo­tions. I was mor­ti­fied with myself think­ing I had screwed up– but as it turns out, I didn’t, that com­ing from the per­son I ‘did it’ to. lol that sounds con­fus­ing and odd, but it’s not, I just tried to keep it short.

    Any­ways– I know that might not be the exact case for you, but just don’t get dis­cour­aged by what’s going on. Soon enough things will return to nor­mal, or you’ll find a new nor­mal. Things will even out even­tu­ally. Wait­ing for that to hap­pen, while still grow­ing in your faith at the same time is a tedious task…not an easy thing to do, but it’s pos­si­ble :)

    (there I go sound­ing like an ATF moti­va­tional speaker…I don’t like that lol…so either for­tune cook­ies or moti­va­tional speaker. I think I’ll go for behind the scenes, cook­ies it is!)

    Ash­ley
    6/02/2005 at 12:34am

  5. haha yes!

    I don’t know, I guess it’s just some­thing that I have to expirence in life…

    And hon­estly, this is prob­a­bly the best time any­way, because I will be so pre­oc­cu­pied all sum­mer… going away to mex­ico for like 2 weeks in 57 days!

    Cre­ation is another story…a story that will most likely be explored in my next post, but bot­tom line is that I don’t really want to go.

    Ugh… any­ways… thanks again! :)

    eter­nal­blue
    6/02/2005 at 3:58pm

  6. You don’t want to go to Cre­ation? I’m def­i­nitely look­ing for­ward to hear­ing this story…hurry up and get home and either get online or post!

    haha yes…you in Mex­ico. lol peo­ple hound­ing you “do you know the band?” hahaha I’ll laugh if you end up work­ing with either a crazy fan, or Peter…hahaha ohhh man. I’m already excited to hear all about that when you get home!

    So yea…be cool and get online so I don’t have to type this lol.

    Ash­ley
    6/03/2005 at 1:31am

  7. haha…

    The thing with Cre­ation is that I don’t really want to go, but now I have to. I already promised to pro­mote Andy Hunter, Sanc­tus Real, and Cast­ing Pearls… plus the news­boys meet and greet… and then there’s the news­boys con­cert… and the sanc­tus real con­cert… yeah I’m going lol.

    OMG, yes! I got so many IMs from peo­ple going on the trip “OMG OMG THE NEWSBOYS ARE GOING!!! HEHE!! HEHE!! THIS SUMMER IS GOING TO ROCK MY SOCKS OFF!!!!” ugh lol. If I get stuck with one of those, I don’t think I’ll last. If I get stuck with Peter… I might last. Only then I could spend some qual­ity time dis­cussing some things lol.

    Hope­fully I’ll get stuck with like… hmm… Jeff. I’ve never had a con­ver­sa­tion with him… he’s the only one. So Jeff it is… plus I think I can relate to him the most… or Phil because he’s weird.. err strangely normal.

    eter­nal­blue
    6/03/2005 at 11:57am

  8. You and Pete would have a grand time together :)

    Ash­ley
    6/03/2005 at 8:25pm


Gary Barker
Nashville, TN

Music is something I'm really passionate about. This is where I share what I feel is worth listening to.


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