hindsightencore » introspection

I’ll Be Waiting

Gary — Mon, 07 Apr 2008 04:39:20 +0000

It’s so interesting to hear people’s interpretation of what love is to them. Usually based on experience, lyrics especially reflect an extreme assessment. A pop song can express how great the feeling is or how much it hurts when it’s gone; an indie-rock song can try declare that love is nothing but emotional damage. I’m stereotyping, of course, but you get the point. It gets me thinking about how I feel about love, as I’m sure anyone else ponders at some point in their life.

I’ve been considerably depressed lately. I’m almost surprised at how uncomfortable I am with admitting that. When I feel down, instinct tells me to sleep as a means of escape from whatever it is that I feel a though I can’t deal with. I am now realizing how bad of a habit that truly is. Why do I desire distraction in order to cope with discontent?

More than usual, I just don’t know how to express myself. I don’t know how to feel, what I feel, what I should feel, what I want to feel. It’s not a strange feeling anymore and I honestly think that’s the scariest part. I’ve grown familiar with feeling void. I’ll force myself to go to sleep around 4am only to abruptly wake up to my alarm only a mere four hours later. Thoughts of having such a lack of purpose and desire with surge through my mind. The comfort of the pillow and sheets will hold me back for a few minutes. Again, I’ll force myself to move in the direction of temporary purpose. Throughout the day, life will pass by as I seem to just stand still. I’ll undoubtedly have thoughts about how selfish I’m being. This phase of manic depressive behavior is not me.

The most frustrating things I can think of within relationships is communication and trust. Although not an eye-opening realization by any means, it never ceases to amaze me (and of course bother me) how I can say one thing and it is received completely different then I had intended it to be received (and visa-versa). At the same, I have a difficult time understanding how anyone could completely trust one person with everything. I suppose my perspective on trust could possibly be a result of being “burned” in the past; I just, for the life of me, can not seem to comprehend giving someone that kind of emotional and psychological power. Obviously that’s a huge part of the marriage commitment. How can one person predict what another person is going to do years later?

[you must view this post to listen to the music]

You close your eyes and kiss your hand, then you blow it
But it isn’t meant for me, and I notice
If the choice was ours alone
Then why’d we both choose letting go?
Does it end like this?

Time never had a chance to heal your heart
Just a number always counting down to a new start
If you always knew the truth
Then the world would spin around you
Are you dizzy yet?

Respectfully, so honestly, I’m asking now
Do you hear the conversation we talk around?
I’ll back away to the safety of a quiet house
If there’s half a chance in this moment
When your eyes meet mine we show it off

All talk and not a lot to think, we were living dreams
And shame never crept close to our naked feet
If there’s something left to lose
Then don’t let me wear out my shoes
I’m still walking

I tried, but it rang and rang, I called all night
On a payphone, remember those, from another life?
If everything I meant to you
You can lick and seal then fold in two
Then I’ve been so blind

Take it all back, take your first, your last, and only
Take it all back, take it all back
Everything you showed me
This must be how it feels when the feeling goes

I told you as I hovered, “I never felt this way“
You said, “I have the shot that stops my clock
Baby, it’s ok“
You said you’d never have regrets
Jesus, is there someone yet
Who got that wish; did you get yours, babe?

“Dizzy” from the album Chase This Light. Performed by Jimmy Eat World. Written by James Adkins, Richard Burch, Zachary Lind, and Thomas Linton. Released by Interscope Records. ©2007 Do I Get A Pickle With That Music (ASCAP).

These Moments, Well, They Don’t Feel the Same

Gary — Tue, 11 Dec 2007 09:05:22 +0000

Sometimes I’m subconsciously forced to think about life and how unprepared I am for it. Times like right now, times that go from happiness to apprehensiveness and just a general sense of being overwhelmingly disheartened. A simple futuristic conversation… a conversation about vulnerability and breaking down walls. I feel like any sort of dialogue that expresses or exposes vulnerability is a paradox because no matter what, you are automatically and inadvertently then subjected to a deeper, more personal and complex exposure. Obviously there’s purpose in becoming vulnerable, especially in certain situations where it’s basically required for a constructive relationship. If you feel I’m being annoyingly vague, I apologize… however I can at least apply this then to more than one situation (or at least try to) in my mind. I’m at a point where I just plain am scared of the future. This might sound normal, but if you know me on any serious level, you know I truly am futuristic, strategic, and deliberative. Planning “strengths” are so dangerous.

Speaking of a paradox, I’m continually reminded that some of these unsettling feelings were once alleviated. How is it then I don’t, by default, turn in that direction… or to dig deeper, why am I not in that place of His advocacy already? It’s true that’s easy to ignore this… but which is truly easier? We are indeed (as the following song presents) free to fail.

“Free to Fail“
written by Bryan Olesen
performed by Casting Pearls

What if the end is just the beginning?
What if the stars were meant to be reached?
What if your heart was made to be broken?
You’ve nothing to give, that’s all that you need

You are the one who’s breaking my heart all over again
Nothing I do or say can change your mind
You are the one who’s given me more than I could repay
You lived your life so I could live mine

My heart’s done all my hands never dare to
Fooling my mind to believe we were free
Love came in like a whisper screaming
Your guilt and your shame were meant for me

We are free to fail (starting over)
You are the one who’s taking my heart all over again
You are the one who’s given me life

I’m sure I’ll post about this again soon, as it seems to be an extremely common theme these days. Although unimportant, I would have posted the lyrics to a different song (ironically still a CP song), however I really shouldn’t do things like that until the song is available for public. I will tell you, that it’s an amazing song and give you yet another reason to purchase the next record.

Collision Is Such an Ugly Sound

Gary — Wed, 14 Nov 2007 06:03:00 +0000

I don’t think it’s a secret that my posts are usually largely inspired by some song I’ve been listening to. Most of the time I’m pretty content with the outcome, at least at the time. However, lately I can’t tell you how many times I’ve started writing a post after listening to something, but then became overwhelming disinterested. I’ve been confused. Why is it that I was able to at least describe or express a thought process before but I’m seemingly unable to now?

As I write this, I’m listening to “Something Beautiful” by… yeah, them. The song sparked interest in eternal love and how/if it relates to love between people. I started writing about it, then some John Mayer came on; the feeling, idea, reaction, question, interpretation, whatever… was completely gone. Believe it or not, this post so far has taken at least 15 minutes to get to this point. Ideas still swirl through my head, but none stay long enough for me to analyze. I think about how unhappy I am, or how pathetically lazy I must be. I remember my thoughts of last night’s episode of reckless insomnia: “What possess someone to be unhappy? Why is it so easy to find the negative aspects in life, yet so hard to find any positive whatsoever?” I think about what depression is, what it feels like, and if I’m depressed. I think about the perpetual emotional rollercoaster that seems to define who I am. I think about my immense feeling of uncertainty for the future and how unfamiliar that feeling truly is. I question whether or not it’s possible to desire isolation but be lonely.

Back in September, I took the highly-suggested StrengthsQuest (similar to StrengthsFinder) test at school. The results aren’t exactly astonishing. My “top strengths” are as follows (in this order): deliberative, futuristic, strategic, intellection, connectedness. I’m not even sure why I felt the need to repeat them, as I’m not the biggest fan of the strengths. However, it’s becoming more and more clear that these would-be “strengths” are pretty good excuses for my apparent weaknesses. “I can’t make decisions because I’m deliberative and I must strategically map out my options.” Like I need another reason to be any more apathetic than I am at this moment. Oh, and for a point of reference, this post took just over an hour.